Emotions running high

I have a weak heart. About 4 years ago, I remember Yana telling me that her mom had a weak heart. I didn't understand what it meant. And maybe she might have some concealed meaning behind it. Somehow, to make sense out of it, it means you're not strong enough inside. I cry too easily. When someone told me her husband was lying on his death bed and she wanted to have pretty linen for him, she sobbed, my heart fell. When Tania told me about Tammy's speech at her father's funeral, I cried. When I read Ce-Yan's blog, a letter to her granddad, I cried. Whenever I read a touching story in RD, tears cascade down my cheeks. Conclusion? Too emotional. Must learn how to control the feelings, but how?

(Outside Fredriques' room in the Physics building. Quote from Albert Einstein. And I still haven't gotten over the disbelief that 'Sean impregnated her'. Forgive the language. She is a darling though.)

They say experiences will toughen us up. But, in my case it hasn't. I seem to become more vulnerable, more susceptible to family experiences that involve heartache and pain. Very often they revolve around death. In a year (2002), I was faced with three much beloved ones leaving. It all happened in a short span of 4 months. Suddenly I had a phobia against phone calls from unexpected people, I dreaded taking Lucky (my German Shepard darling) out for walks, my heart pounded like a jackhammer whenever I stepped into a hospital ward, and mostly, I hated talking about incidents leading up to that death. Too many painful memories. I'd rather bury it than face it. Even today, I hate it when family members talk about the final seconds of my paternal grandfather's life. I just retort, 'Don't talk about it. It's all over now isn't it!' And refuse to listen. Why would people want to talk about 'what-ifs' if it's not even going to change a thing? Serves no purpose. I guess you can say it's good to have a memory of what they were like. But I like to have my own memories. To hoard it in my mind. Keep it safe and away from the real world.

And so I comtemplate (sometimes even hesitate) on whether would doing medicine be the correct career option for me. This year alone, I've met great people who have encouraged me to take up this path. The competition from others didn't hinder my efforts to make things work my way. It was good to have a challenge because when success comes, it'll be infused with bitter but sweet memories. Danielle and I have had long discussions about medicine. Unlike some, she really has the drive and passion to do medicine. And she has the ability. Having personal experiences and a great career in HR, she is here to accomplish her dream. And I really hope she'd be one of the lucky 100 out of 1600 who gets in. Likewise, I hope get in too. It's quite absurd, you say. Ofcourse, medicine wasn't really my first option. It was never a big dream. I had other big dreams, like meeting Ian Thorpe, winning an Olympic gold and becoming a great writer like JK Rowling. Being a doctor never excited me unlike what it did to Mayura who was so absolutely sure she'd get in and god bless her, she did. I never really thought about this path. I was reluctant and somehow against the whole idea of so many peeple wanting to be doctors just for the prestige, yada yada yada. But again, in this year alone, while others found that it might not be the thing for them, my slight hesitation evaporated and was replaced with enthusiasm towards having a medical career. I want it and would be disappointed if I don't get in. And my chances of getting in is very slim after virtually flunking UMAT. And then again, 'To be or not to be' that is the question. Would I be fit enough to carry on? Most impotantly, do I have the skills required of a committed doctor? Too emotional is not good. And so let's let the interviewers make the decision. That was plan A anyways. I believe in fate that can be altered with a little determination. If I get selected, that would be fantastic! If not, mourn for a lil' while, stand up back on my two feet and finish off with my biomed sc degree.