medicine or no medicine..that is the question

Medicine or no medicine..that is the question..the question that plagued me during the whole of last year; the question that still plagues me now. And it remains one of the biggest questions yet. When I say 'plague' I don't mean it's an unpleasant thought, it's just the darn frustration of not being able to make up one's mind about things. Sometimes I just wished I could make a decision and stick with it, know it's the best of all decisions and never ever contemplate, hesitate and look back, sigh and say, 'If only..' or 'I should've..' But this is life isn't it? And during those early years, I've learnt that things aren't simple. You wanna live life? You gotta play hard, think smart or risk facing all the consequences.

I was having the same old 'medicine oh why conversation' with one of my close friends last night and that is what that prompt me to pen this post. Before I delve further into things, just let me rewind my life back to the start of my high school life in Sri Aman.


Class of 2005. I should've been there to graduate as well, but since I left for NZ at the beginning of the year, I was deprived of the final year with the fantastic people that emblazoned my high school years. Back in 2001, when we first started school as innocent first formers, little did we know that great things were to happen. I'm sure everyone says this about their own year. And I'm going to say it again (I apologise to all SAians of other years)..we were special and destined to make history. And histories we made. Back in 2003 and until then, we achieved the greatest results for PMR, the record was broken a couple of years later. Our debate team was strong. Our drama team got sent to Japan. Our top girl Suga is going to the US and many others are currently following their dreams and will no doubt achieve those great feats. Those are a few of the things we've done. We had notorious moments as well. Like catching a glimpse of the flasher during Form Three, or more specifically to 4ScBakti, causing the best Add Math teacher, Pn. Soo to leave our class in anger cause no one was responsible enough to go remind her she had a class at that time. We were just not in the mood to study then. I could write a book on those years..one of the best times in my life.

And so back to medicine. The last time I heard, a few of my friends have either gotten into med school in Msia, abroad and some are in the midst of applying. What is there to be surprised? We were all studious, intelligent..we were super women. We had the same common characteristic: kiasu (fear of losing)...and this was what that pushed a great many of us and no doubt still does. But to attribute kiasuism as the reason for aspiring to be a doctor is one reason too little. Correct me if I'm wrong but in our Asian society today, pressure form parents is one other major factor. The perception has been that since you're smart and have what it takes, why don't study medicine, one of the msot challenging courses ever, one of the most prestigious ones around? That has been the perception and I don't see it ever changing. At least that's how our society thinks. It was all about the face, the name and fame.

And hence, that was the furthest from my mind last year when I applied for med school. I refuse to admit it was about keeping my pride in check, or it was about the name and fame. I attributed my application to my personal experiences, the challenge and the influence. Up till now, that still holds true. But whether or not I'm lying to myself I have no idea. Maybe it's the known fact that you'd be at least financially independent and not have any career seaching frustrations that is the main drive.

On my way back in the plane, I catched 'Grey's Anatomy'. If medicine is anything like what was portrayed in the show, it really extinguishes any last drive I have for reapplying for medicine. But maybe amongst those tears and agony, when there is a smile, it might be worth it. I know I shouldn't base everything on dramas that's been exaggerated to bring in the ratings. The thing that is holding me back now is the unpredictability. I want a secure career, a job that I know I'll be fantastic at and will be happy doing it. Having completed one anatomy paper last semester, I know I love it. Medicine will no doubt be fascinating, interesting and a fabulous experience. But the ever-lasting commitment..will I ever enjoy it? Some friends back in the Auckland med school have confessed that they feel they may be happier if they weren't doing med..some loathe anatomy.. I guess they say you never know until you try.

Oh well. That is the question. And right now, I don't need to answer it.