And I thought I've changed

If you asked anyone who knew me back in SA, they would have said, 'Oh yeah, the crazy and loud one with that wild streak. Also very patriotic when it comes to supporting Rumah Hijau (to my non- Malay speaking friends, that's my sports house), smart and a fab librarian, always on top of things, helpful and yada yada yada.' Let's rewind further back into my days in Puay Chai. I was the tomboyish one who was boy- crazy, responsible nontheless, very very loud too, rather hot tempered (as what some people put it), but I would have said, a good friend.

Then why is it that I remember vividly apologising to heaps of people? 'Sorry, sorry, sorry' became so cliched, and it rarely worked for me. There was this once, I accidentally knocked over Thanu's music book and I apologised, she merely muttered, 'Don't say it when you don't mean it.' And I was like, 'But I do.' Ahah, here's the catch. Nice though I was, I was mean too. Not the bitchy kind of mean but I was not so nice at times. It may be due to my unpretentious manner which some people appreciate but some just can't take that sort of bluntness. I used to blurt out what was on my mind, hurt some people without realising it, only think about it when I got home, apologised the morning after, but of course it was a bit too late. But those people who knew me, forgave me, bless their hearts. And so, as the years passed, I learnt how to read people's body language (apparently lefties are better at that), stay away from sensitive people, kept my thoughts to myself and just shut up once in a while.

I grew to become nice (nicer?), or so I thought. In the past year, I can't recall being mean or saying something that caused the other person to raise their eyebrow and look hurt. Well, only on two occasions and these two people didn't really say much about it.

Situation one:
In physics lecture, me and random Asian guy talking about AUSA up and coming (now past) election and talking about president nominee, Vadim.

Me: I find him quite hot (apologies to that, he's actually not. Eww.)
Asian dude: No he's not! Have you seen him? He's so ugly!
Me: (of course not wanting to be proven wrong) Yes he is!
Asian dude: Oh my gosh, he is so NOT hot.
Me: You're just jealous that's all.

From Yosi's expression, who was sitting next to me at that time and heard our conversion, I knew I'd unleashed the lil' sharpness in my tongue I thought I had concealed. Asian guy just turned around, wanted to retaliate, couldn't find anything to say, and remained silent throughout physics.

Situation two:
Before Biochem lecture, Yosi and I were comparing UMAT results. This was the afternoon right after I got my results and I was in a pretty shitty mood.

Yosi: So Cam, how were your results?
Me: It sucked so badly I think my next stop is Habour Bridge. Yours?
Yosi: Haven't checked yet. But I think it'll be so so bad.
Me: Oh no. Don't worry about it too much. You'll be fine. Mine was so rock bottom. Seriously.
Yosi: No no. I think mine is worse. You'l be fine. Your marks are probably way better and don't feel that way. I'm feeling like crap.
Me: So what, you think my feelings are a joke then?

(nb: dialogues aren't exact. I'm no tape recorder)

So yeah, pretty pissed I was. And Yosi, if you're reading this, I didn't mean to snap at you. I was in a very lousy mood that afternoon.

And so it's surprised me. It's not that easy to get rid of a habit or behaviour. Secretly, I'm quite pleased that I still have the ability to be straight forward. But to stab deep into people's heart is not my main intention.

According to Bjarna (he's this colleague who worked with me up at Mens Shoes until yesterday), I'm a CHB (translates to cold heartless bitch). And why am I not surprised. These words to come out from a Neanderthal? Apparently I crossed some unseen boundaries when I apparently insulted him with my 'cruel' laugh and choice of words when he did a turning kick. He can take punches and slaps but not the torment of words and he was the one who said he wasn't egoistical and I wouldn't have thought to be sensitive as well. 'Awkward' was the word and laugh, I couldn't exactly remember. But the thing is, I still possess the ability to hurt people and I thought I've change, but all these while, it's just waiting to be released. So to settle our feud, I promised him (on my pinkie) that I'd spar him one lunch time when I worked full time. After pestering me for ages to spar: a first dan black belt vs. white tallish Neanderthal, he got his way and left with a wide grin on his face. Mean ass.

And so, I'm quite excited really. It's been two years since I last got in touch with my martial arty side, I can still kick quite high though. Next on my to-do list, ask Thanu for some fight tips!