Lucky

I've never felt this lucky, this privileged. I've been through a lot of self analysis stages and sometimes have always felt like I was the only one going through that stage- lonely, bitter, and cold. But no. Sometimes I realise, and never more so now, that others live and stand with me, for me, and of me.

I always say that life is no win-win matter. And it's not. You win some. You lose some. In my short life, I have won lots. I have cast a dark shadow on my sister's own shining star. And trust me, I hate it. But these are inevitable consequenses of being the eldest, and the one people think is the best, always achieving, never breaking stride. No matter how much I try and convince others that we are two very different individuals, that she has more potential than I, perhaps even more, others will see her as my younger sis. I yearn to see her make it big one day. And I can already see the bud blooming...my younger sister. *beams*

But as I said, I've had very little disappointments in life. Yes, I know what it's like to have lost. I have lost many loved ones..so many I fear the word 'death' itself. Back in Form four, when we were collecting money for our Sri Aman patriotic run, I asked someone and got rejected. I seemingly couldn't overcome that feeling of disappointment. This led Ann Li, Thanu and Sivapriya to conclude that 'Cammy has not had a lot of disappointments in life.' And it's true. What I've set out to achieve, I have accomplished. There were little or no barriers. Was this my own hard work? I put in a lot of effort to achieve what I want. My own invincible talent? I don't think so. Or was it a preparation, a pathway to destruction? I know pride comes before a fall. And that in life, there are inevitable hurdles, falls, and tears. And so, does that mean it's okay to have setbacks once in awhile? To pull us down to earth a bit. To make us remember what it's like to lose?

As I contemplate my future over the span of a few days. I suddenly come to the realisation that I am not alone in this. I was in a race this year, trying so hard to emerge as a winner, to clinch a place in med school, and have met a lot of people with similar aspirations. But amongst those aspirations came deceit, tough competitors and feigned concern. But also, everlasting (I hope) friendship, commitment and team work.

This year has been a great year. And as much as I hope it ends with a big bang, there's something in me that doesn't seem to mind if it doesn't. I found out that there are similar people in the same situation as me. I'm of course hoping for the best. But hoping I am, though not too much. I need something to cushion my fall. And if this time, I soar again, I'm going to keep in mind, not that I haven't always, that everything can be turned into a humbling experience just like that. *snaps fingers*

p/s: For those who cared when others were blinded by their own aspirations, and for those who stood by me even amongst their own problems, to Yosi, Aajuli, Danielle, to the greatest Yana, I thank you guys so much. You guys mean a lot to me. Always have and always will. You guys taught me to be strong, taught me what it was like to shed a tear or two, inspired me so much, made me see light, and take a grasp of reality.