windows of opportunities

'I won't deny the fact that I might venture out to do research in the near future but not right now. These are exciting times for a medical career what with all the medical advances and exciting discoveries...' This short flashback of my Med interview comes back to haunt me, even now, a good one and a half months after the actual event. That was a snippet of my answer to the first and most cliche (refer to previous posts) questions and what I said when one guy asked, 'Why not research as a career?' But now, I'm drowned with 'What Ifs' and 'If onlys', currently living a life swamped with regrets, frustration, and weirdly... a wonderful sense of relief.

Things I say don't come true. Nor notions that I pay heaps of attention to. But something I said just for the sake of it now seems closer to materialising more than the fact that I spent seven years sweating it out fighter style or dreaming wildly about becoming the next Ian Thorpe. There's little chance I'll turn a world-class fighter or perhaps Olympic gold medallist. But become a researcher? A huge possibility.

My one-year whim/hope of becoming a MD shattered when my application was denied. Didn't even stand a chance on the darn waiting list. The dark cloud didn't cast its shadow that fateful morning. It only hurt when I found out I was so bloody close to clinching a spot. Found out my overall mark was somewhere between 1-10 points lower than the cut off mark. I was good in a way. But sadly, just not good enough. UMAT served as the bane. I am so sure of it. And to hear rumours that they're increasing the intake and getting rid of UMAT soon...timing oh so wrong.

First came the denial stage. Everything seemed so unbelievable. I refused to acknowledge the fact that I won't be a doctor. No, I shouldn't say be a doctor. That sounds childish and immature, what someone would say if studying medicine is all about the Doctor title and the prestige. But it's a real pity I won't get to experience the excitement of studying in depth anatomy or slicing up cadavas. It's a pity when you anticipate things and they don't materialise. But moreover, during that stage, I pitied medical school for weeding out some of the best people I know. I guess that was the resentment I felt or perhaps trying to sound positive. But it's all in the human nature to feel that way.

Then there was the pain- concealing bit. I was told by my sis to cry if I wanted to, to let it all out. But I don't cry because of fallen dreams. Seems silly right? Thing about me is I put on a strong facade but possess a weak heart. I'm rather emotional but at times love to play the 'I'm okay' role. So there I was, telling them I was fine when in truth I didn't think I was. I think I had to say it out loud to not only convince them, but to convince myself, to make myself feel better. I mean, I'm no pyschologist, but I understand vaguely how a mind works, more over, my mind. I became snappy, frustrated and short- tempered. Yes, like your usual PMS.

Then came the part when I had to break the news. Not to my family. I did that straight after, but to people, to close friends, to relatives, who all of them, put so much hope in me, who prayed for me, who ushered me to go for gold. It's a good thing we have emails for I wouldn't know what to do if I had to do it up close and personal. And as expected the replies were filled with frustration, anger, curses, sympathy and balming words. The resentment was not channelled at me, but to the entire selection process- on the ridiculous way medical students are selected (another human nature in action). Future MDs please don't take offence. It's all too natural to build a fence of defense when things don't turn out well.

Lastly, it was the reassessing of my plans and aspirations. Plan A was never to do medicine. It was to do Biomed, apply for med, don't get it, fine, continue with Biomed. Looks like everything is falling into prospective. Research is looking like where I'm heading to. In a way, I can't envision myself in the lab, staring into the microscope. I fear that kind of life, that kind of solitude. But I'm secretly (not so secretive now..) glad I'm free of any mind boggling commitment or stress. The world is wide with opportunities. Nothing is impossible if one is willing to pursue it. And what I keep on telling myself is that everything happens for a good reason. I didn't get into med school because of UMAT. I didn't have what it took to study medicine. But also I didn't get into med because there are more things to do. More golden opportunities to shine. Other ways to do it.